This week has been pretty rough. 3 years ago, today, my grandmother passed away. She had been sick for a long time, and she took her final breath on Tuesday January 24th, 2017. Every year since her passing, I always feel the most grief on that Tuesday of week she passed, and then the 24th which was actual date of her passing.
I took her death extremely hard, and for the first few months I really struggled with the grief. This was my first time experiencing the loss of someone very close to me, and I was overwhelmed with the intensity of my emotions. It had gotten so bad that I realized for my own sake that I needed to see a grief counselor. And it was in counseling that I began to really process my feelings. I discovered that I was having a difficult time learning my own grief process and accepting that every person grieves differently. During that time, I really felt like I had to conform to the way my family was processing my grandmother’s death (very Enneagram 9 of me) because they were grieving very differently from me (at least from what I could tell on the outside), but in doing so I was robbing myself of the freedom to grieve in my own way. And not feeling the freedom to do that left me feeling extremely bitter and resentful.
But as I began learning about my own grieving process, I finally began to understand and accept that I am someone who is super empathetic and feel her emotions very deeply. Because of that, the way that I express sadness is almost always through tears. And my counselor also helped me see that though not everyone expresses their grief in that way, I shouldn’t feel guilty or ashamed because my grief manifests itself differently than theirs. Honestly, I still have to remind myself that it’s still okay to feel all of my emotions, even three years later. It’s okay to feel sad, or to miss her, or to wish I could see her smiling or laughing again, or to experience the joy of watching her find any and every way to incorporate Jesus into a conversation with someone.
And while I miss her dearly, I am so blessed that I got to spend 23 years of my life with her. She taught me so much about Jesus, and what it means to put Him first in everything you do. She taught us all the importance of family and what it means to have each other’s backs. She was one of the best cooks I knew, and she had a laugh that would light up the entire room. So while I hold immense sadness because she is no longer here with me on earth, I hold immense joy because I know that she is no longer suffering, and is currently rejoicing in the presence of Jesus, which is where she has always wanted to be.
So I want to leave you with some encouragement. If you are dealing with the loss of a loved one; whether family, friend, or whoever they may be, I want you to know that you are not alone in this. Grief is a life long process; it’s not something you ever get over, but it’s something that you get through. I don’t think our society does a very good job of giving people the space to fully grieve. We’re often given a pretty short window of time where grief is acceptable, but then are expected to move on and continue with “business as usual”. But unfortunately, grief doesn’t work that way. Throughout your grief journey there will be days when the pain of your loss feels excruciating as if it happened just yesterday, and some days where you may only experience a small ache in your chest when you think of them. You might cry on a random day when something reminds you of your loved one, or you might remember something about them that makes you smile and laugh. I just want to remind you that it is completely normal to experience all of these emotions; whether you’ve just experienced the loss today, or you experienced it 50-60+ years ago.
So if you feel overwhelmed with grief or need to process your feelings, I first want you to know that God sees your hurt and your sorrow. There is a verse in scripture that has helped me a lot. It says, “God is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). He deeply cares for you and He longs to comfort you in the midst of all your grief.
I would also encourage you to grab a trusted friend or family member whom you can honestly share how you are doing. I think there is something so important about surrounding yourself with a community of people who can support you and uplift you.
Also, maybe there is something you can do to honor the life of your loved one? Maybe that means participating in something that you know they use to love doing, or creating some type of art in memory of them, or even getting together with people who knew your loved one and spend time sharing special memories that they had with him or her.
And finally, I think sometimes we can think of grieving as a negative thing, especially because its tends to bring up so many uncomfortable emotions inside of us. But in my opinion (and I acknowledge that this isn’t always the case for everyone), I think grieving the loss of someone in your life shows how loved that person truly was, and how truly missed they will be. So process whatever it is you need to process, and feel whatever it is you need to feel, and remind yourself that even though your loved one is no longer here, that they will always be loved.
